


Halfway home (to a place you cannot recall)

by It_is_Rene_Now



Series: 'Amare così forte fa male' - Love so strong it hurts [5]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Author is a Clay | Dream Apologist (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream Deserves Better, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Non-Consensual Kissing, Non-Consensual Touching, Sad Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29634228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/It_is_Rene_Now/pseuds/It_is_Rene_Now
Summary: He cannot remember who he is, all he can recall is the shouts of people saying he was no longer needed, useless, without purpose.Sitting here at what feels like the edge of the world, a journal in his clutches and the hand on his shoulder the only thing stopping him.His name is Dream, right? That's what the journal and the man with white-blonde hair and red eyes says at least.5Dream story because why not? <3Disclaimer: The SMP is a legitimate roleplay/actor scenario, that sometimes feels too real, since all things like deaths and etc, aren't faked. So Dream did not legitimately in a purposefully harmful way manipulate anyone, nobody actually meant the things they had to do, but it still left scars.All my content is creative writing and in no way serious, so I use Persona's, Self-made AU's and OOC actions to solidify the fact I amnotshipping the content creators themselves, just their Persona's they have made :DDo not sendanyof my work to creators, and if you are one yourself, my anxiety will be shot if you read this. So please don't.
Relationships: 5up/Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF) & Everyone, Clay | Dream/5up (Video Blogging RPF), Past - Clay | Dream/Floris | Fundy, Past - Floris | Fundy/5up
Series: 'Amare così forte fa male' - Love so strong it hurts [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2147076
Comments: 15
Kudos: 153





	Halfway home (to a place you cannot recall)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone :D Sorry for being inactive I was having personal struggles but I'm back and in business baby!
> 
> Yes, my book, _['Do I wanna die tonight (Should I consider making it out alive?)'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29219871)_ is still going to be worked on and updated 2 times within 7 days like usual so be on the lookout for that, and I might be posting more one-shots and short series like this fanfic too :p
> 
> PS: Join my discord! :D It's a bit inactive at the moment and I would love for more people to be active and add ideas for me to put in it since I worked hard in organizing it :D
> 
> https://discord.gg/wR9xjSqfq6

He sits there because he cannot recall who he was, who he is, and who he will be.

  
  
  


He is a blank slate, memories wiped and deemed useless and irredeemable by people with faces that seem so familiar, but they do not bring anything to mind, so he grabs his book, slipping through the pages with a frail calmness, as he tries to figure out who he is, and why those people left him.

  
  
  


Eyes drag heavily as the burden of his existence weighs on him, all his actions, everything he had done, but for what? He does not feel evil flow through his veins like those who described to him as he was left did, he does not yearn to harm and control others.

  
  
  


His fingers run over the shining leather, eyes catching on a name.

  
  
  


_ Dream _

  
  
  


So his name is Dream, he was? is? an evil person who did bad things, at least that is what his journal dictates him as, a hopelessly lost cause doomed to the poison of his own blood and self.

  
  
  
  


But he is none of those things now, because to himself, to the Dream that had been reborn as he lost himself right here, today, now, the past his journal told of, was no longer the future they had left for him as they walked away from his frail body.

  
  
  
  


So who is he now? and who does he need to be?

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


Foliage lick his torn skin, long scarred over but spoke of harm, self-inflicted and brought upon him by others who believed themselves of the light and the heroes of a story so twisted and complicated it made his head spin, two overwhelmingly burning scars, agony, when they get near anything that is hotter than his usual body temperature, is almost blinding, the humming of enchanted weapons that ruminate through his bones is the only indication of the cause.

  
  
  


His existence is aimless and pointless if he can not recall how to live like a person, how he had been given an empty slate from the monster he once was.

  
  
  


So he stands at a cliff edge, confused and empty, his life filled with memories hurting the past him far enough to repress it all so badly bursting at the seams of the carefully crafted delusional state of everything is okay he built for himself.

  
  
  


He is contemplating whether just leaving the closed chest of emotions and memories behind forever by becoming a specter would make his delusions a reality.

  
  
  


But as he toes closer to the end, a hand stops him, and he wonders why-

  
  
  


White hair, Radish Red Irises, and a Blush and Apple red scarf, a Beetroot color bomber jacket, a white undershirt, and generic black pants besides the radish design stitched against his hip.

  
  
  


From the recognition in the eyes of the other, a distant sort of recognition he probably could echo if he tried to unbundle the pain that was buried far inside of himself, he deducted that this person had known him in some way, and with the bitterness in his stance and the hesitation in his movement to save Dream from taking his own life, he had hurt this person as well.

  
  
  


Is there anyone that old part of him, that he leashed like a feral caged animal inside of him, hadn't burnt with the toxicity of whatever goal he reached for with desperation?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


5up meets empty green eyes, as if they lost everything hidden in them, lost the soul and the spirit of every human's essence and existence. Their purpose for breathing and fighting and trying.

  
  
  


5up's blonde hair, the low-light of the newly born sun-light, dawn reaching through his fingertips and senses, brushing against his flowing white hair in the bright light, though in the darker and warmer lights it was a platinum-like blonde, compared to the honey blonde of the stranger who he distantly recognized through explanations from a time forcefully shoved to the back of his mind.

  
  
  


This was undoubtedly Dream, but wasn't Dream supposed to head back after this particular part of the roleplay Fundy had described in the script long ago? When he bothered to talk to the hybrid who chose everything else first, as 5up tried to stay patient and wait for the love of the other, he only realized he would never receive.

  
  
  


He looked nothing like the cocky hellraiser of a tease and roleplayer that he had observed through the screen, like everyone had observed through a view,

  
  
  


Where, until Fundy, he never realized how real the SMP felt to those in it, every hateful word and scar and death felt so real, but they did it for those who continued to watch because it was their reckless passion, he knew objectively the person in front of him had one of the tougher jobs, as the villain, since he got so much hatred and scorn for a role he had chosen to play as a writer of the script.

  
  
  


"Dream?" 5up did not like the distant recognition in Dream's eyes where there should be analytical sharpness the way that Toast, Corpse and so many mutuals between the two- although they had not met formally- had described.

  
  
  


The pieces clicked into place slowly, as he eyed the clutched journal those following the played lore knew as Dream's memory book, since he was legitimately locked in prison for the realism of the lore, and by popular/overbearing demand, since those not smart enough to look between the lines of the story to see everyone cared for each other outside of it.

  
  
  


Dream, the roleplay, everything, had gone too far now, it was clear to him as 5up looked at the tired and weary soul, no matter if it had been reborn on accident or not,

  
  
  


Dream didn't remember who he was, that much was obvious, he felt his nerves flair, the idea of the SMP RP being so real as to affect Dream this much...

  
  
  


He had no choice but to bring Dream with him back to his house, and figure out just what to do next, but he was frozen in his thoughts, since very well while the SMP itself had been scripted, the relationship between Fundy and Dream was less so, and 5up found himself comforting the hybrid whenever Dream chose George, Bad and Sapnap over his fiance. 

  
  
  


When he heard of the wedding fiasco his view of the man was soured even more, despite the well-known knowledge he wasn't a purposefully bad person at all, impulsive at times but usually soft-spoken, easily flustered, and a cocky flirt, from how Fundy described him lovingly.

  
  
  


Looking at the man, he could tell how one could fall for his looks alone, a gentle visage though he bore a few scars gained over the course of the roleplay, soft honey locks that floated in the breeze and curled against elegant cheekbones and freckles that were scattered like cinnamon on a particularly sweet dessert, or like the glowing stars in the sky that he found himself resting upon his mushroom house to truly take in and appreciate.

  
  
  


But he left behind the bitterness his heart held for the love he lost to this man, and lead him away, back to his home where Fundy had came after the wedding crying out about infidelity, but the man with the empty eyes and the possessively hard clutch on the worn journal did not seem the type do to something like that.

  
  
  


But 5up knew better than to assume from a first look at the cover.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


The man- Dream, he reminded himself- was surprisingly easy and compliant in their venture to his home, fingers running distractedly over textures, as if relearning muscle memory that had been lost for whatever reason it had been shoved down, 

  
  
  


_ 'I wonder if as the villain, he had to shove down the good parts of himself in order to fully step into his persona and embrace his role but… I don't know how that could lead to  _ **_this_ ** _.' _

  
  
  


No matter how little information he had now, it was in his instinct, and what he was known for in the Among Us viewing community by putting together pieces smoothly and clutching up what was needed to find the impostor, or well, win as the impostor.

  
  
  


5up ignored the ache in his heart and the phantom feeling of another's hand holding his own, a bushy ginger-red tail making noise as it  _ fwhipped  _ against every stick and bush, unlike the inhuman grace clearly unforgotten by whatever Dream went through, that he walked with.

  
  
  


5up was curious.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


_ It was nice not being alone anymore, Dream's companionship was silently comforting, though sometimes he would worry for a reason he didn't understand entirely as Dream went silent, gaze far far away from the reality they were all stuck in. _

  
  
  


_ He wondered if Dream was remembering things or was shoving them back far into his mind to never be touched again because that would make everything so much easier, wouldn't it? _

  
  
  


_ But 5up hopes he doesn't lose Dream to the darkness of his mind, too far to be saved when he never even deserved to end up like this in the first place. _

  
  
  


_ But this life is not deserving and variety of life, because you had to deal with the cards you had been dealt with sometimes. _

  
  
  


_ - _

  
  
  


It was simultaneously surprising, yet not at all when he slowly found himself easing into the presence of the missing- to all but himself- admin and professional speedrunner as he got to know, and helped the other get to know himself.

  
  
  


_ But how do you tell someone, who lost everything in one blow, that the fragile and horrifying reality he had built of the journal and what he vaguely remembered from memories he shut down purposefully, was only fake, and that he wasn't truly the bad person he made himself out to be, and the fact the people who left him behind, never meant to leave him forever, if at all? _

  
  
  


He contemplated this as he watched haunted eyes glaze over, rocking childishly in the night for comfort from the memories that hurt him, memories that weren't completed enough for Dream to know how wrong of a view he had of himself.

  
  
  


There was no doubt in 5up's mind that Dream  _ hated  _ himself and who that journal told him he was, it was easy to tell in the way he clenched nails into his thigh far too hard until the platinum-haired blonde had to coax the other from drawing more injury and pain to himself.

  
  
  


As he stood there, in slight shock from the claw marks that covered arms that shook fragile around a malnourished body slowly being fed from his time in 5up's place, that he had to break it to the other now, and risk shattering all he thought he knew.

  
  
  


But 5up could not be the one to soothe over the hurt with stories of goodness and kind brotherly care he had heard rumors of, but he could try his best until he could message Fundy, as he should have a long time ago.

  
  
  


Moving forwards to detangle Dream from the ball of breakdowns he had curled himself into, sitting beside the slightly older man as 5up tucked the other against him, platinum blonde, bright as the silver and white stars in the nightly glow, melding and mixing with the ethereal honey blonde like golden lining and tapestry from stories of grandeur and royalty, or the light honey of a homely glow of a cabin fireplace against the smooth surface of the decorative glass you collected for no reason at all, but to just have it.

  
  
  


Things were far from alright for the confused man beside him, so as gently as he could he whispered times of roleplay and lore, the fantasy that was built delicately behind a screen and the story unfolded over a time, all built for entertainment, and how the man he was, the man he used to be was not cruel-hearted or manipulative.

.

.

.

Not so far away, a certain fox hybrid received a message from someone he thought he might not ever hear from again.

  
  
  
  


_ 'I found Dream, but there's a problem.' _

  
  
  
  
  


There was no stop in their pace as they ran from the spawn point closest to 5up's house, which was rather far away from the place the light haired man resided, feet brushing against the ground just enough to launch themselves further,  _ faster,  _ to get to their friend whom they didn't notice whatever wrong with, and they had lost him, and no' something was urgently wrong, so much so 5up who had cut contact with the majority of the SMP of those he knew in it, after he and Fundy's breaking off, had messaged, alarming the others to Dream's state.

  
  
  


Worry wracked through George's body as he leapt over brush, ignoring the nostalgic way Fundy slowed down, just a bit over certain spots that looked well used from what could have been simple walks in the forest, to dates during the high morning or low night.

  
  
  


That was unimportant now, Dream's wellbeing the first thing on everyone who had come- George, Fundy, Sapnap, Technoblade, Tommy and Puffy- minds.

  
  
  


The Mushroom house Fundy had described to them closed in on their sights, as they slowed down, allowing Puffy- Dream's mother figure, inside and outside the roleplay- to be the one to knock, as she had probably the best chance of seeing Dream first, without awkward tension between herself and 5up.

  
  
  


George wasted no time following Puffy in as 5up opened the door, looking somber yet still fairly calm despite the appearance of his ex, and the people who associated with said ex, in his house.

  
  
  


"What's wrong with Dream, Where is he?" George asked in swift need to see his friend, to still apologize like he had avoided for so long after the wedding failure and his unconsented kiss towards the other, resulting in the hatred and dislike from his friends towards the Honey Blonde man.

  
  


5up looks towards a room near the back of the surprisingly large interior of the mushroom house, it probably held Dream inside.

  
  
  


"Before you see Dream, there are probably some things you need to know first."

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know exactly how this will end decidedly, but endgame is looking on 5Dream :p
> 
> > This takes place in the SMP universe but is switched up in a way that, all 'Games' like Among Us and Minecraft are connected, the Dream SMP itself is a realistic roleplay/scripted scene/vlog, though it will hurt since they actually do these things to each other, just without the evil and purposefully malicious intent behind the villain/antagonists actions.
> 
> > FWT wedding is however an actual thing, and like I repeated multiple times, whenever the FWT wedding is involved the kiss was _not consensual_ so don't victim blame Dream loves, thank you for your time :D <3
> 
> > Update. I forgot to make it so there's more chapters, but its fixed now lol


End file.
